Disturbia (2007)

Starring
Shia LaBeouf
Sarah Roemer
Carrie-Anne Moss
David Morse
Aaron Yoo
Jose Pablo Cantillo
Matt Craven
Viola Davis

Just over fifty years ago, Alfred Hitchcock brought to the screen the story of L.B. "Jeff" Jeffries played by Jimmy Stewart in the movie Rear Window. Jeffries was a professional photographer who in the course of his photographing ended up breaking his leg. Leg breaking and surgery being what it was back in the ancient times, Jeffries was wheelchair bound in his apartment with nothing to do and no place to go except read and to look out his back window at the neighbors in the apartment building across from where he lived. No, Virginia, there wasn’t any internet, DVD’s, or cable. But there were all kinds of interesting tenants in that building, not to mention one who may or may not be a murderer. Part of the fun of the film is the fact that you get to play peeping Tom right along with Jeffries. Heck, we all have a little voyeurism in us so think of it as wish fulfillment. It’s as if you are finally getting to peep into the keyhole of that apartment next door to see if that woman really moans like that or if she just owns a very loud cat.

Now you can fast forward to 2007. Since Jimmy Stewart, Grace Kelly, and company have long ago gone up to that big deluxe apartment in the great beyond we now get a pint sized teenaged version of L.B. Jeffries named Kale played by Shia LaBoeuf. The film opens with a nice little country scene of Kale fly fishing with his father and every one is just happy go lucky, bonding, and having a swell time just as if we’ve dropped in on an episode of Wally and the Beaver. But since the film is called Disturbia, you can pretty much predict we aren’t here to witness a Bob Ross painting and about three minutes later you are proven correct when Kale’s father exits stage left as the result of a horrific car accident. Gee, we hardly knew you. What did you say your name was?

You may be wondering why writers Christopher B. Landon, Carl Ellsworth and director D.J. Caruso found it necessary to do away with Kale’s dad (What was that name again?) on screen, with Kale as a witness instead of having him already lying out in the cemetery as the film opens. Well maybe you aren’t wondering about that but I’m going to tell you anyway. It’s so that you will be instantly sympathetic to poor Kale who a year later is still trying to cope with having witnessed Dad’s (What was that name again?) death, and so that you will understand he has these psychological demons messing with his head which cause him to punch out his Spanish teacher’s lights just because he dared to tell Kale that his father (What was his name again?) would be disappointed that Kale hasn’t learned what “Como esta usted?” means. Well, it was a little more involved than that but since that’s about the extent of my Spanish it will have to suffice as an example.

Since this isn’t Kale’s first time to be in trouble, he would normally go to jail. But the judge being the kindly old soul that he is, let’s Kale off with three months of house arrest wearing one of those bracelets that restricts him to the home and a good portion of his yard. And just as Jeffries was a whiz with a camera and a telephoto lens back in the day, Kale also is a whiz bang ace with video cameras plugged into his computer, and with a pair of binoculars plugged into his eye sockets. And best of all, unlike poor Jeffries with the broken leg, Kale has full use of his legs and it’s a damn good thing he does too because when you move Rear Window out to the suburbs, you aren’t going to see a whole lot by looking out of one window. Instead Kale has to run to the front of the house to see the house across the street, he has to run to one side of the house to see the creepy guy with the dented car, he has to run to another side of the house to see the pain in the ass brats next door who made Kale stomp out a flaming bag of dog doo doo in his bare feet. Or he can just simply hang out most of the time with his cameras and binoculars to ogle at Ashley (Sarah Roemer), the new girl next door who likes to hang out on her own roof when she isn’t swimming in her bikini. And sad to say, that’s about all you’re going to get. For my money, it’s hardly worth picking up the old binoculars to look out the window, at least until our gal Ashley turns eighteen. Then I might sneak a peek or two.

In Rear Window, part of the fun of the film was looking at the neighbors along with Stewart and seeing what everybody was up to and how their stories would turn out. In Disturbia, it takes forever for Kale just to get around to looking out a window, any window at all. Instead we get a heavy dose of Kale laying around in his trashy bedroom playing video games, downloading music to his ipod, and basically being a royal pain in the ass to his hapless mother (Carrie-Anne Moss) who has to work day and night. But we are very grateful for Kale’s mom, especially when she finally cuts his cable and cancels his internet so the the film can finally get going.

Except that it really doesn’t. We get a lot of teen angst between Ashley and Kale. We get Kale’s friend Ronnie coming over to lend a hand with the Ashley ogling. For a long time nothing much happens except for when the creepy guy next door comes home with a dented fender on his car, the same kind of car that was supposedly used in a murder. Yeah, creepy neighbor guy is still around in between what seems like more endless scenes of teen angst. Then creepy guy comes home with a woman and the film really takes off. Well, no it doesn’t. We have to wait for still more teen angst when Ashley has a party, Kale can’t go, Kale gets jealous, Ashley comes over in a huff, then they fight and then well you get the idea by now. This is actually Young Teenagers in Love with a side order of creepy guy next door.

It’s not that Disturbia is a really bad film. When it gets around to doing what it’s supposed to do, it actually does manage a modicum of suspense, anxiety, and energy. It just takes too long to get there. Other than Creepy Guy Next Door, almost everything else that goes on is unnecessary. For instance, for no reason at all the cop who patrols Kale’s neighborhood is the cousin of the teacher that Kale punched early in the film. This plot goes aboslutely nowhere and is so totally unnecessary you have to wonder why it was even thrown in in the first place.

I think Caruso expects us to buy the fact that Kale’s psychological problems from having to witness his father’s death, will make us somehow question whether or not Creepy Guy next door is really up to no good in that house of his, or if he’s really just the old guy with the shovel from Home Alone here for a sabbatical. But we never question what creepy guy is about because other than having a messy room, Kale is as normal as you or I. Well, maybe as normal as you but you get my drift. And Creepy Guy as played by David Morse never attempts to be anything but the Creepiest Guy in the Whole USA so there is really not much suspense at all until the very last half hour of the film when we find out who might or might not be checking out of suburbia/disturbia in a body bag.

If instead of giving us a healthy dose of Kale Loves Ashley, Caruso and the writers had dreamed up some interesting neighbors for Kale and his friends, they may have been on to something with their teenage version update. Believe me, having Kale look out and see little twelve and thirteen year olds watching porn is neither funny nor interesting. And making us wait for what seems like an eternity for your two leads to lip lock may please the teenagers in the audience but by then I had already ate my popcorn and was ready to leave. And if my popcorn doesn’t make it to the end of the movie, then I have no choice but to give you my grade and it’s a very disturbing C-.